Featured 30 December 1998 and archived 4 February 1999
Sonya Haskins is the full-time stay-at-home mom of Sarah, Micah and Christopher. She also writes magazine articles and is working on her first book. Sonya welcomes comments from readers and constantly seeks to meet new moms to interview for the book.
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I wonder if other moms who stay at home ever go through identity crises (plural for crisis - I looked it up!). Surely you know what I'm talking about. Times when you think about the fact that no one ever tells you, "You're wasting your degree" anymore. Now they look at you kind of funny and say, "You mean, you have a degree? I didn't know that."
Each year at Christmas time, my husband and I (with children now, too) visit two of my friends from college. The two guys we visit are identical twins and I was in love with one of them for the duration of my college career. The closest I ever came to being his girlfriend was one goodnight kiss. Although we never dated, I fondly recall the time we spent together as friends.
So here I am happily married and I go to make a visit, my husband says, to my old "college sweetheart" every Christmas. I was trying to explain to my dear hubby why I like to see Kevin even once a year and it basically boils down to an identity crisis.
Everyone who sees me now sees me as a wife and mother. Most don't know I can speak Spanish and those who do must assume I've lost interest because they never bring it up. Each year, however, Kevin asks me if I'm still learning foreign languages and how often I use them. Most people don't know I can ride a unicycle and don't believe me if I tell them. Kevin has seen me ride up and down and all around. I used to ride in parades even! He comments at how talented I was at that and so many other things that people today don't even realize I could ever do.
Some times I would like to get together with him and hang out like we used to. I would like to watch football games without children hanging on my leg or my husband snuggling up next to me. I would like to go eat pizza and laugh about crazy mistakes. I would like to sit on the steps of the dorm and talk about what we would do after college graduation. It would even be nice to go back to those days when a kiss was innocent and he gave me one just to show me that he cared, even if he didn't want to be my boyfriend.
Of course we can't turn back the clock and I wouldn't trade my family for anything. Kevin never gave backrubs like my husband does and he never stayed up all night to hold a cold rag on my forehead. With him I wouldn't have the same two beautiful, precious children who bless my life today. I do miss his friendship, though, and wonder if there shouldn't be a compromise someplace in between where we can keep pieces of our old "selves" and still be great moms and wives. How do we find the balance? I don't have the answer to this one so suggestions are welcome.
Please give all feedback on this column to the author Sonya Haskins.